The Hardest Words to Say
by xonceinadream
Summary: Tony Stark doesn't apologize. Especially when he's not at fault. Even when perhaps apologizing is the best thing he could do. or Tony visits Steve in Wakanda and they both are hurting.


**Also features past Tony/Pepper. Canon-compliant. Post Civil War.**

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Apologizing is not the sort of thing that Tony tends to do. Even now, even after everything that everybody has gone through, Tony can't apologize. It's probably why he and Pepper are still broken up. He wishes her all the best, he loves her after all, will always love her, but he can't apologize for something that he's not sorry for.

And he can't apologize for trying to kill Bucky. Since he's calmed he can understand better that perhaps Bucky is as tortured by it as he is but they weren't his parents. Tony can still see his mother, can still picture her face as she walked out the door like it was yesterday and it kills him. It's Bucky's fault that they're dead and Tony won't apologize for trying to get even with him. Even if it resulted in Tony gasping for breath, thoroughly beaten, he doesn't regret it.

He felt things when Steve had looked at him on the ground, one hand clutching at his reactor. The pain in Steve's eyes had almost matched his own. (Bucky was his friend? Wasn't Tony something more? He thought he'd been.) Tony had struck out as best as he could, had reminded Steve and Bucky of his father. The clanging of the shield as it had hit the ground had felt like it had pierced him right through the heart. It had hurt more than one Super Soldier and one cheap knock off hitting him at the same time had.

He curses as his thoughts distract him, causing him to kick the leg of a side table and he immediately reaches out to steady the vase on it. Who would've thought that the King of Wakanda would have something that would've fit in Tony's grandmother's house? Although, after knowing T'Challa it does kind of fit.

Tony presses open the door to the room that he knows that Steve's in and closes it behind him once he's inside. When he sees Steve it feels like his heart stops and, because there's nobody around to see him, he closes his eyes, forces himself to take a few deep breaths. It hurts. Seeing him again hurts after the last time they saw each other. The letter soothed the wound but it didn't fully heal and now it feels like there was salt thrown in it.

The vindictive, and perhaps playful, part of Tony wants to toss some water on Steve's face to wake him up. Or maybe zap him with the Iron Man armor that he could put on his hand with only a moment's notice from his pocket. Instead, he simply pulls up a chair, sits down and waits.

It only takes Steve a few minutes to roll over, his eyes flickering open just slightly, the way that Tony had known they would. He remembers hearing about Steve's nightmares (remembers soothing them - remembers talking him through them - remembers being there for him when Bucky was off killing innocent people) and he knows that it keeps Steve up at night.

The second that Steve's aware of another presence he sits straight up, seeming to recognize Tony almost immediately since his hand simply rests over his heart instead of grabbing a weapon. "What the fuck?"

"Do you kiss your mom with that mouth? Oh… wait…" Tony says dryly, his voice low and viciously mean in a way that he isn't exactly apologetic for.

Steve's eyes narrow and Tony can hear as he swallows. "What are you doing here? How did you even get in?"

Tony shrugs, leaning back in the chair and crossing his legs nonchalantly. "Natasha. I had some unresolved business to take care of-"

"Arresting your friends, you mean?" Steve asks in a tone that Tony doesn't often get to hear from Steve. He'd be lying if he said that it didn't send a shiver down his spine.

He'd never give Steve the pleasure of that reaction so he keeps his emotions carefully contained. "Actually, getting at least Scott and Clint out of here and back to their families. Laura and the kids will see Clint by Wednesday and whatever Scott's daughter's name is will see him a few days after that. I can't do anything about Wanda or Sam quite yet and I don't want to do anything about your 'friend' so those two will have to wait."

It might just be the light but Steve's eyes seem to dim at the end of Tony's words. Pity. He'd hoped for at least a thank you before Steve moped about his long lost boyfriend that he'd just lost again. Tony's lips twitch into a sad smile. He always is competing with ghosts isn't he?

"You're too late in terms of Bucky," Steve mutters, his voice damn near cracking and he has to clear his throat.

Tony shrugs because he had heard that. He and Natasha have been in constant contact over the past few weeks with Tony hoping to make amends, at least to the teammates that didn't leave him for dead. "Damn. I was hoping for round two," he responds dryly, leaning forward so that Steve can see the small scar next to his eye in the dim moonlight. It's unimportant in the long run, Tony has worse scars everywhere else, but he's not interested in fighting the two of them again soon.

Steve looks down and so Tony does too, sees the way that Steve clenches his fist in the comforter. "Tony-"

"Don't worry about it. I get it. He's your boyfriend from a long time ago."

Huffing out a breath, Steve lifts up his head to scowl at Tony. It feels just like old times. "You know that it's not like that."

Tony knows. He really does. It doesn't make it any easier because he knows how easy that it would be for the two of them to be something more. Maybe that's why it had hurt so much. Losing Pepper and then Steve. Tony reaches up to scrub at his eyes. "Doesn't matter. That's not why I came anyway."

"You really came for them?" Steve asks, his tone full of what? Hope perhaps? Wonder? Tony thinks that it's something good and there's a victory at least.

He resists the urge to shrug, feels like it presents an image of not being in control and being in control is important to him right now. "Well, and to talk to Natasha. Might want to watch out for her. She enjoys playing both sides." That's… not quite true. She's mostly been helping to make sure that Steve's allies have been given proper treatment but Tony won't say that.

It seems like Steve knows, though, because the man simply smiles. Tony's stomach does a flip but he's sure that's just because he hasn't slept in going on 36 hours. He has nightmares. Not the same that the two fossils from decades ago do but nightmares all the same. He dreams about his parents, about the video that he got to watch of their death. He dreams about Pepper, sees her fall over and over right after he promised that he would catch her. He dreams about Steve walking away from him, Bucky close to his side.

Steve looks alarmed and Tony curses, surprised to reach up and feel tears. Damn it. That's what happens when he doesn't sleep for so long and he immediately brushes the moisture away, trying to compose himself. "It doesn't matter. I didn't come here to have any meaningful moments or anything. I'm leaving."

But when Tony moves to stand up, Steve reaches out, catching his wrist. "Why'd you come in my room? If you came to talk to Natasha and free the others then there was no reason to come in here."

Tony swallows, looks down at Steve's hand holding onto him. He can still feel those hands on his body, can still feel Steve's breath against his skin, can hear the words that Steve had whispered. It had been unexpected. It had been nothing, hadn't it? Steve had been contrite, thinking that Tony had been cheating. Tony hadn't wanted the repercussions if Steve had known that Pepper had broken up with him and hadn't told him yet.

It had been something that Tony hadn't realized he'd needed. Instead of just nightmares, instead of darkness when he'd shut his eyes suddenly it had been Steve. Of course, it hadn't lasted. Why would it? Nothing good ever lasted in Tony's life. Good things rarely came to him but when they did they were fleeting. Pepper, Steve, any number of girls that he'd pushed away before they could hurt him first.

Why had he come into the room? To see if Steve was okay, perhaps. To give him a good punch for doing what he'd done to Tony, maybe. Really it was for this. If he was truly honest deep down, this is what he had been hoping for. He closes his eyes.

Steve tugs gently on his skin and Tony lets himself fall with Steve. Steve's there to catch him and it feels like coming home when warm lips press against his own. Tony's eyes don't open because if they open then this might be real and he's too scared for that. Not that the invincible Iron Man would ever admit to that.

Steve's lips part as he coaxes Tony down and suddenly he's desperate for it, pressing hard against the muscular soldier. He loves how big that Steve is, loves the way that he doesn't have to be gentle with him like he always had to be with Pepper. His eyes don't open and he rests his hands against Steve's bare chest, his fingers digging into solid muscle and his lips moving desperately against Steve's. Steve doesn't even try to fight for dominance, lets Tony kiss him, lets Tony bite and suck and bruise.

They move easily, the way that teammates do, as if they can read each other's minds. Steve's legs spread open, their fingers slide over skin. Steve's fingers move nimbly over his buttons, first on his shirt and then his pants, getting them both naked. It's heated in Steve's room, dark and hot and sweaty and Tony wouldn't change it for anything. He lingers over Steve's lips and then goes lower, biting marks into Steve's skin that he wants people to notice tomorrow.

Steve's hand moves between them, slick with lube although Tony hadn't even noticed him pulling out a bottle. "Keeping lube under your pillow, Captain America? What would your fans think?"

It sounds so much like his old self that he can feel the way that Steve's chest shakes as the other man laughs, nearly laughs himself. "I don't give a fuck," Steve says, punctuating each word sharply with a kiss against whatever skin of Tony's that he can reach with his lips. When Steve brushes against the scar it makes Tony's eyes close again, tighter than ever before.

Steve's hand wraps around both of them, keeping them close as they rub against each other, the slick and slide of their sweaty bodies nearly enough to make Tony come right away. He doesn't want to. He wants this to last because he doesn't know when they're going to do this again, if they ever will. He wants to. With Steve it seems that he's always wanting. Ever since he was a kid and he was wanting for Steve to have never been born every time his father brought him up.

It's over too soon, the slimy feeling taking over and Tony wrinkles his nose even as he lets himself drop on top of Steve. The come doesn't feel great but Steve does and so he can't bring himself to care that much.

For his part, it doesn't seem to bother the other man and he simply wraps an arm around Tony's waist. "Are you going to be gone by the time that I wake up?"

Tony doesn't know the answer to that question and so he doesn't respond. Part of him wants to stay, wants to pretend that the battles and the fighting never happened. He wants to pretend that he'd be welcomed here, that he could simply stay by Steve's side and work with him and kiss him whenever he pleased and fall in love with him for everything that he is. The more realistic part of him knows that he can't. He has to go home because he has too much to do and he can't stay, not after everything.

"I see," Steve murmurs in a hurt voice. Tony leans in to press a soft kiss to his lips but doesn't say anything.

Steve tightens his arms around Tony, as if he could keep him there if he simply held tight enough. It's a nice thought and Tony lets himself relax in his hold. Maybe he can pretend as well.

He doesn't stay, though. Natasha is waiting for him to escort him out through the traps and she's already going to be a pain in his ass about the delay. As soon as Steve's breathing has evened out (he wasn't this comfortable before Tony got here, he's sure of that) Tony extracts himself and stands up. His clothes are thrown across the chair that he was sitting in and he dresses carefully, making sure that his glove is still in his pocket.

Once he's dressed, though, he lingers, staring down at Steve. The man is still sleeping, curling up slightly with the absence of Tony's body and the man lets out a breath before leaning down to press a kiss to Steve's lips.

"I'm sorry," Tony whispers and he doesn't close his eyes this time. He looks at Steve as if he wishes to memorize his features and then he leaves.

When he reaches Natasha she doesn't say a word but her smile is sad as she escorts Tony through. He'll see Steve again. He's sure of it. Even if it doesn't make it any easier when he's alone later.


End file.
